Focus and Insecurity, these concerned me

<<A new blog post update>>

I am truly sorry that I couldn’t even afford some of my spare time to filling up this blog with new interesting post to update…well it’s basically because I’m kind of busy and also kind of lazy at the same time. As also you see if you are following me on my instagram account, I did rarely update any pictures these few weeks, didn’t I?

Anyway, right now college stuffs are really overwhelming for me, it’s my last year and definitely I need to prepare and focus on lots of things for my thesis. Reading lots of books, trying to browse  informative stuffs beside instagram and facebook and so on and so on, and despite all the hectic schedule about getting my assignment done, I even do a teaching class and tutoring for debating club on my college and also trying to learn new dance with some few friends. Woohoo~ lots of things need to be done. Everyday it’s always a busy day and I’m always in constant tired. (no wonder my apetite went so undercontrol)

This few weeks also I’ve been mendling over sensitive topic, not about love or education or what this time but about trustworthy …. Hmm, can I put it as trustworthy? Or relationship? Nah it’s way bigger than a trivial relationship matter. 

So if you did scrolling back on my previous post update before in this blog, you can see that I’ve been in constant trauma in getting back into healthy relationship with anyone, Since the very first beginning I always being a kind of person who give it my all to my friends, in returns I always want some kind of affection and being loved and being complimented, yeah I am that kind of person.  A person who need a constant support from other people whom I love

The bad things is, I tend to forget my own happiness~ what I mean by it is like my truly happy soul where I can actually pouring out all my feelings to the people I love and treasured with, stupidly I always end up being overly satisfied with their companion but let them hurting my pride or sometimes they don’t actually care about me, like I care about them. It’s hurt.

I’ve learnt lots of things over my past experiences about it, and I did change from being a cold hearted woman who don’t believe in any trustworthy relationship to someone who willingly being open up again to gain such a healthy relationship.

And the worst one from all of it is, I can’t control myself to put people that I really like and love on the higher status and treasuring them than any other people, I even neglect other people and my own personal business just to help this person or being with them and it’s always happen like that.

These days, I just got realize that I’m being so suck and all clingy to all these people who actually didn’t think that I’m important enough for them as I think about them. They basically throwing some harsh words on me and telling me to not stepping over my line as a friend or people that they know. 

Well, they don’t really blurting it out directly, but it’s just really obvious that they are trying to imply that to me.

Other times also happen when I feel that they are not really here when I need them the most, I don’t know….i feel like, they are trying to make it clear on me that I need to get over quickly over a small trivial things. Why do they suddenly judge me like they’ve known me for couple of days? ….
or perhaps, they don’t really know about me? Or it’s me who don’t really know about them?

Anyway let’s stop with this self-pity party story telling here, I really just need to get over it and don’t really think about it too much. I also realized and I found that myself not even being a good enough person to actually asking for more.

Probably it’s because most of the time I’m being so sassy all the time and they just do that because ‘yeah ~ that’s how you handle over her sassiness’. HAH, Let’s get over with it and start being happy again, I mean being happy is driving people crazy right? hahaha

Goodnight, xoxo